Chicken of the Sea

Can someone please explain to me why men are such pigs? It might not be all men who are infected with the pig virus, maybe it's just the men who I involve myself with. I seem to have a magnet on my forehead that draws in swine. Men who roll around in the mud... Dirty little piglets with no respect for themselves and others.

I cannot stand men who lie. They think they are doing you a favor or something, telling you everything you want to hear. All I hear is "oink oink oink". I have gotten to the point where I don't believe anything that comes out of any man's mouth. I have cracked their pig code.

"You're beautiful." really means "I want to sleep with you."

"We are dating." means "I want to sleep with you until I find someone else."

When referring to their ex's "She's crazy" REALLY means "I have a tendency to lie, cheat and generally treat my girlfriends like crap, and do not want to take responsibility for the emotionally trauma I caused her."

It's funny when you catch a pig in a lie. Instead of owning up to their actions, they blame shift their slop right into your trough. "You invaded my privacy! You should not have been looking in my phone!" I am sorry to be the bearer of bad knews but if you were not out Oinking and Boinking everything on the farm, there would have been nothing to find in your phone WILBER. Call them on the lie, and suddenly you're a big fat cow. (Time to come up with new insults boys, we can't all be overweight and ugly now can we?)

They act like you got mad cow disease out of thin air, when in all actuality, you were infected with it the moment your instincts told you that you had landed a PIG. The very second that you knew something was wrong, you started asking more questions. Those questions made you seem untrusting, overbearing, placed you into stalker status. All the sudden when little piggy went to the market, you knew otherwise. You knew deep down that when mister pig left to have a "boy's night" that he would be hoof deep in Miss Piggy's ham. Try denying this to yourself, and your mad cow disease quickly turns into you being an insane heffer.

Nobody is "crazy" for no reason but, who wants to own up to being a liar, a cheater, and a pig?

I move on quickly, and this has given me a reputation for using men, or being indecisive... The truth is quite the opposite. I know exactly what I want, and as soon as I see the signs of pig, the porking is over. I send them crying wee wee wee all the way home.

Ladies... Once a pig, always a pig and I truly believe that. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Let's go swimming and quit hanging out in the mud. ;) Don't hold onto your swine in fear that you will end up alone... Send him to the butcher and eat high on the hog while you have dinner dates every weekend with new and exciting men.